However, she also wants to control the financial side of the household even though I am working and she isn't - she's a doctor so she won't have problems finding a job - so whatever she says we buy and vice versa....finally she screams and crys if I refuse to follow her ( wants to save and I don't - wants to spend and I don't -makes a decision and I don't agree etc)
several ppl have told me to be firm but I am simply very emotional and find it very difficult to resist her crying - so what do I do? I don't want a divorce as we've got kids whom I'm very attached to.
Any help would be greatly appreciatHow to deal with my wife?
First of all, sit down and do your budget. List all of your living expenses and determine an amount needed to pay the bills, groceries, and gas.
The amount left over is discretionary cash. Determine what is done with your discretionary cash. Say so much is spent each month on shoes and clothes, so much goes into each of your pockets. If you're helping mom monthly determine a finite amount and list her with your bills. Let wife and mother know that at the first of each month mom recieves $X.00. You both should have a general idea of how much you get to spend each month.
Share the budget with your wife.
Second: she screams and cries. This is a learned behavior. When you are speaking with her and conversation deterriorating into screaming and crying say to her, '; Hon, we can't talk about this right now anymore.'; and walk away. Screaming and crying are juvenile unacceptable behaviors which are completely inappropriate for an adult in an adult relationship.
As with a child, reinforce with her that when she can speak in a calm, respectful manner, conversaton can continue, otherwise, the issue remains unresolved. After you bail on the inappropriate conversation, walk away. Throw in a load of towels, wash the car, go fix something. Just make sure you remove your presence.
Your kids are little now. However, they observe Mother's behavior. If you cannot bring this under control your entire household will have developed the habit of screaming and crying when they do not get their way. Do be firm with this now for your own sanity later.
Third: Have her checked for depression.
Forth: Reassure her that you love your family. That you want her to trust your decision making the way she wants you to trust hers. You guys need to work as a team, partners. She's smart. Tell her it is important to you to have her input. Compliment her on the things and behaviors you see her doing properly.
If none of this brings positive results you may have to seek a counselor. I am not a big believer in outside counseling. Before starting, I would consult with her family as to how they dealt with her behaviors. Remember, you love her, not the behavior, and it is her behaviors that need to change.How to deal with my wife?
I would definately suggest some couples therapy along with private threapy for both of you. She is bordering on mental abuse because she is being manipulative, possessive, and controling.
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She's a doctor and she doesn't want to work? I thought doctors WANTED to help people. What did she go to (how many years) of college for? That, right off, sounds odd to me. You can still see your kids if you get rid of the crazy woman, they would probably be better off then living in a house in turmoil. Get moving.
Sounds like you need to sit down and tell her how you are feeling. Understandable you dont want to divorce because there are children involved but when it comes to your family, she should be understanding and not jealous. Honestly, who gets jealous about someone helping there mother? Seems like she has a little bit of growing up to do. Good Luck!
Tell your wife about what you feel about this situation, make sure that you tell her everything and ask her why she's acting like that.
Or, get some help frm someone.
You and your wife need to establish better communication. Selfishness is something that runs rampit in our society. We are taught to be selfish. In a marriage the two shall become one. You and her must learn to have the same mind set for your life. You both must agree on the goals and the strategies to achive those goals. What is yours is hers and what is hers is yours. You should try and set times when you and her discuss adult matters in a safe and loving way, especially those issues that impact you the way you have explained. You might seek professional counseling, using that forum as the safe haven for discussion. With regards to your family. They will always be important to you and she must learn to respect this, but being your wife she must come before them. This does not mean you abandon them, what it does mean is that this is another issue you and your wife need to come to grips with. For her to alienate your family makes me believe there is an underlying problem your wife has and it has nothing to do with your family, they simply feel the brunt of her pain. Good luck
see you should talk to her if you are in your family's house you should change your house %26amp; be you, your wife %26amp; your children.
First, try having one big serious civil discussion where everything is addressed but dont do this in fron of the kids...just the 2 of you. be honest and tell her how you feel and what your concerns are. if that doesnt work...ask her if she would be willing to seek professional marriage counseling....pray to God for guidance.
Sounds like your wife can't empathise with anyone but herself... this could be due a condition called Asperger's Syndrome.
I've lived with this condition in my family for over thirty years and if it is AS, you're in the loneliest place to be, you need support, she needs to find out if she has this, or any other condition, since her controlling ways and jealousy, could also have another cause... but if it should be something like AS, I'm afraid that she will never change and you will be forced to accept her as she is, and all the giving and understanding, will always come from you.
Go to this link and read what this specialist has to say, he diagnosed my ex husband... at age 54... I now live with our AS son and few days are good, as in, empathy for me, a giving caring person who empathises with everyone, because his anger at me for caring about anyone overrides our lives. He must come first. It's not childish selfishness, it's a condition they are born with.
Few people behave this way because of life traumas, since most grow up and out of tantrums once they become responsible parents, but, AS people, are always jealous of their children too. Because they remain forever emotional children themselves, despite many like my son, having seriously high IQs.
http://www.tonyattwood.com.au/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tony_Attwoo鈥?/a>
About Asperger Syndrome:
http://uk.search.yahoo.com/search?p=apse鈥?/a>
wow....you are in a tough spot...I would recommend that you get some help dealing with your relationship and the control issues...If you are ever going to be happy with one another then you need to learn to communicate, share values, share your plans and agree on some things...not everything ...but the basics would be a good thing.....good luck
Get some marriage counseling before it gets any worse.
Sounds like she is spoiled and childish....pitching tantrums because they work for her......sounds like you are somewhat of a wimp and will always give in to her emotional outburst. Part of becoming mature is learning to not be controlled by ones emotions (whether it be your emotions or someone elses)...I would bet that your children also pitch fits and get their way by doing it. ..... Behaviors can be changed.....Your reaction to their behavior could go a long way to shut the fits down........But you have GOT to cowboy the h-- up and be a man , that means being firm.....Sounds like a bunch of children living together and no one is in charge......
Sorry if this sounds mean,,, but Someone has to be an adult ....and it doesnt sound like anyone is being mature.....
Divorce her. Get a new life. See your kids when you can, like all divorced couples do....you've only got one life, why waste it in misery?
Time to let her know about your feelings. Hiding them from her will hurt you in the end.
your wife is behaving like a spoilt child, get her to some counselling she is not going to change by herself, go to marriage counselling together. She needs help with this jealousy and obsessive behaviour. Finally tell her to get a job even part time pays well for a Doctor. Stop being a doormat to your wife or you will loose all respect for her as she seems to have done with you already.
Tell her to knock it off, one of these days you're gonna get tired of all of this and leave. Is that what she wants? If so, keep it up.
firstly, her extreme possessiveness and jealously sounds to be a strong insecurity. she probably feels your love for her is in competition with your family and therefore judges your love by what you do and spend on them. why is she not working? is it to be a full time mum? most likely then she also feels powerless in the relationship due to not earning and having to 'ask' for money, so is instead trying to be more controlling to feel less of the underdog.
would it work, do you think, if financially, you sit down and plan with her some sort of budget you both stick to, so she has some money to spend freely etc., but also so that she feels she has a valid contribution to the family decision making - as she should.
being firm is only being a bully; try to talk rationally to her about these issues.
finally, maybe if you tried to find other ways to show her you love, trust and value her as a person, she may not feel so insecure. maybe there is some behaviour of yours that could be altered too to help the situation.
and finally; talk, talk talk!! talk it all through, and often.
good luck!
I think you really need some marriage counselling.
You cant sort this on your own.
She is your wife and u know her better. So it wud be great if u cud sit and talk with her. When u r talking with her be firm like she must get the message that you are very serious and explain her things from beginning like about her wrong behaviors and which ever stuff is hurting u.Tell her u are unable to take those into long run n nor do u want to end this relation .But her behaviours is disturbing you .and now it is really difficult for u to take all this. Gradually change the way u interect with her..like show her less care and affection so she must know that now its disturbing ur relation.i hope it wud help
leave the lazy *****.
Marriage counselling may be in order here. You are not on the same page at all. Marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship. Additionally there is no reason you should have to pick between your wife and your family, she has no justification for jealousy in regards to your family. I think you should suggest a counselor and let her know that these are deal breaker issues that need to be worked out.
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