Is my wife's selflessness towards her family really selfishness towards me?

First I must give the disclaimer that I love my wife to death. I admire her in so many ways. This isn't a ';rip on my wife'; question. I would just sincerely like to know the answer. Is my wife's selflessness towards her family really selfishness towards me? So here is the deal...my wife is always volunteering to help her family out. She offers to take her sister somewhere, she offers to make dinner when if one of her parents are feeling sick. She offers to help her siblings with their homework. It's honestly non-stop. She rarely, if ever, takes into account how her ';selfless'; actions affect me. Most recent example is today, I came home from a long day at work and she immediately told me that she was going to cook dinner for her family tonight. She was doing this because her mom was feeling sick. She asked me if I could watch our baby. Of course it would be ';selfish'; of me to say no so I did. She then cooked dinner, fed her family, then after she washed the dishes. By the time all is said and done the night was shot. The truth is we rarely ever spend quality time together as a family. It's almost always my wife helping her family out and leaving our baby with me or my wife helping her family out and taking the baby and leaving daddy to fend for himself. It just seems it's getting to the point where she would rather be part of her family and not part of this family. Most of the time she brings our baby with her and leaves me hanging. I just wish she would recognize that she already has a family she can serve...Our family. I hope this makes sense. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!Is my wife's selflessness towards her family really selfishness towards me?
yes. and let me say i am guilty of this. my husband sat me down one day and talked to me about it. he told me that i have a family, him and our kids. they are my first priority. and he was right. but see in my situation i am easy to take advantage of. i try to help too much, i jump if someone needs something, i give and give and i don't get anything back except these people *expecting* me to do for them. so yeah, here i was taking care of everyone that was using me and putting him on the back burner. -poor guy i didn't even realize i was doing it, but i could tell it hurt him.





so what you need to do is talk to her. tell her you love how she does what she does -being selfless all the time. but she does have priorities and those are you and the children. this is the family she made and it does come first. it's okay if she goes and does something for someone else, but not at the expense of her family at home.





be gentle when saying this, and understand that she is probably not doing it on purpose nor is she even aware that she is doing it. she just needs a little wake up call and to know that you feel like she has put you on the back burner. also suggest making more time to spend together.





this worked for me and it is rare that i slip up. being made aware of the situation helped me stop the frequency. hope it helps you and your wife.Is my wife's selflessness towards her family really selfishness towards me?
She probably doesn't understand how you feel. You should sit down and explain to her that she is neglecting her family by attending to the needs of other relatives. Tell her you admire how kind and respectful she is, but that in doing so she is neglecting you. Reassure her that you're not telling her she has to stop, she just needs to limit time spent with other relatives so she can spend more time with you. Tell her you miss her.
You have two options....Either talk to her and tell her how you feel. And that your not liking her family using her as a door mat. Or go with her and help her help them, so she can get home and have family time with her husband and child in her own home.
yes it is. your wife has forgotten the ';forsaking all others'; part of her vows (which means her family). she should be taking care of you and your needs before volunteering to do anything for anyone else.
Family/Marriage counseling. Even if she doesn't agree to go, you can go yourself.
Please tell her exactly how you feel asap!





This sounds exactly like my life a few years ago. I was constantly needing (I thought)...to take care of my parents who lived a few miles from me. They were up in age and sure did appreciate my help. Little did I know my husbands deep resentment and his feelings of neglect. Only after he admitted an affair and left me did I fully understand how very neglected he had become. We are now divorced.





On the flip side please make sure you show your wife how much you appreciate her. I feel like that is why I put so much energy into taking care of my family...because they were so grateful and appreciative, Complimenting me on the meals or what a good person I was for helping. That really fed my ego and I think my husband had kind of dropped the ball on that part.





I sure hope you can impart to your wife how very important she is to you and that she has got to make you a priority. Don't be intimidated or give up too easy..she wants to be a good wife to you I'm sure of it.





I wish you the very best of luck!
When the attention isn't directed toward your family (meaning you and your child), then there is a problem. She is avoiding you for some reason. It is subtle and how could she be faulted doing her selfless deeds. It's a ploy, but one where you are left feeling like the bad guy for wanting attention.





But you have seen through her actions. You have identified that your spouse isn't there for you. And she should be. You two should be there for one another, because that's what you vowed to do. She's doing what she wants to do, not what she should be doing. Next time be ';selfish'; and tell her no that she can't go. Even if her sibling is failing math, and the two of you aren't doing anything for the evening.





Regardless of the reason, you need to make her aware of how it is making you feel and you both need to seek counseling. It'll be interesting to see how she reacts to someone else seeing through her charade.
Think back to before you were married: was she always a family-oriented person? That doesn't change when people get married. They are still loyal to their original family. However, I think you should explain to her what you told us, which is really just that you miss her and wish she would spend a little more time with you. Or try to make plans for the two of you for some weeknights in advance (movies, shopping, hiking) so that she has more time with you and less time with her other family. She might just be so preoccupied with other stuff that she doesn't realize that she is hurting you.
grtchi09 hit it right on the head.





Your wife sounds just like me. We moved to a place about five minutes from my brother and about ten minutes from my aunt, and it seems like I do so much more for them than I am doing at home. I see where a guy could get where he feels neglected, because I'm the one doing the neglecting. I know I should do more for my husband and my kids- just having a hard time realizing that one doesn't need to come at the expense of the other.





Thanks, you've given me a lot to think about....
Have you told her this? If you haven't, she probably doesn't realize just how much time helping her family is taking away from your family.





Of course, I have to wonder, was it this way before the baby was born? And how old is the baby? Relationships do change when a baby comes into the family, and maybe she's feeling out of sorts, especially if the baby is still pretty young. She could be -unconsciously- avoiding spending ';quality time'; with you because she isn't as confident about herself - maybe her self-image has changed and she doesn't know if you still think she's attractive and beautiful and sexy. She could be filling the time with service to her family to avoid confronting her fears.





Either way, the best solution is to talk to her, let her know how much you appreciate her and admire her. Tell her about how your feeling a bit on the outside, and that you're afraid the two of you are drifting apart. Make sure it doesn't sound like you're accusing her of anything though. When you have this conversation with her, maybe suggest that the two of you should take 2-4 nights a month just for you, leave the baby with a sitter, or family member and go out or stay in, but make that time count. Dedicate your nights together to just the two of you, don't discuss anything that might cause any contention or discord, just enjoy being together.





If talking to her doesn't work, ask if she would be willing to talk to a neutral 3rd party, aka marriage counselor.





Wishing you the best luck.
You obviously have an awesome wife who really cares for her family...if she is neglecting you and your child maybe you could consider helping her so she won't have to be doing hundreds of different things for ten people...if you really are devoted to your wife you will make it a priority to talk to her and find a compromise and try to understand her need to help her family...you may come first but she really cares about her family maybe you should take an interest in what she does and find out why she does it...instead of making her feel bad for doing something great. She is a rare specimen, you are truly blessed and so is her family.