How best to deal with wife whose life is driven by imaginary fears?

My wife's behavior is mostly driven from anxiety - of catching a fatal illness, being left destitute (if I leave her) etc. There is little to justify her fears, we have a comfortable if somewhat boring life, if I die she will be provided for etc. We also have a two year old daughter. But these fears drive a variety of actions:


1) She spends hours on the internet convincing she has exotic diseases. She stays awake at night worrying about this. Gets tired and imagines the symptoms of fatigue are those of the disease.


2) When rebutted by the doctor she insists on seeking multiple opinions, at considerable cost.


3) When I question the need for this expenses she says I refuse to pay for her treatments and so she needs to complete her qualifications so she can work and pay for them herself.


3) This leads to a desire to move. She wants me to buy an expensive house where she will live while she studies for two years using my life savings, after which we sell the house and move again. So I question the need to buy such an expensive property for such a short time.


4) She says now I don't want to move with her she will leave me and take baby with her and stay in some dive instead, put baby into child care and her mother will pay for (her mother can't afford this.





It seems her fears are driving herself directly into a position she fears the most, being alone and poor. She is also naive and probably both she and our child will be at risk if forced to cope with such a situation.How best to deal with wife whose life is driven by imaginary fears?
Hi Chris,





You cannot actively indulge your wife's insecurities, as to do so confirms their validity and prolongs the affects.





You will have to assert yourself and take control of the situation to protect your wife and daughter. Your wife needs to seek treatment or as you rightly say, she will be the architect of her own misery.





You will need to start calling the shots to stop her mking things worse. We are all going to die of something at some point, and her worrying about illness will not add one second to her life, and will probably bring her demise much closer.So show her that her worrying is a waste of energy.





Give her an ultimatum to get treatment, and you can help her towards her freedom.





Good luck,





JonHow best to deal with wife whose life is driven by imaginary fears?
It sounds like her biggest fear is that you will someday refuse to be manipulated by her irrational behavior. So far, her actions have worked and she controls the relationship. You have to make a decision to shift the balance of power or continue to do whatever she wants.
She needs some professional help, particularly with a therapist who specializes in patients with anxiety disorders and cognitive behavior treatments.
Tell her you just found out you have AIDS so she actually has a legitimate fear.
I would consider family therapy. That is very abnormal behavior and it may only get worse if you two don't seek any help from a professional.


If not just ask her personally why she is so anxious all the time. Try to talk her into understanding that, most things we worry about don't end up happening and it is a waste of stressful time. Tell her to take life as it is and everything may or may not fall into place. Life is full of pleasant/unpleasant surprises.
I'm speaking from experience, I suffer from severe anxiety diorder and panic attacks. I have the same paranoia about illnesses. It's not a fun thing to always feel like this. She needs to see a doctor and get on some meds for anxiety. I realize that this is driving you crazy, but in fact, this is a medical condition and she can't help it. However, that doen not mean you should give in to her ridiculous demands. Talk to her, and see if she will agree to see a doctor. Be completely open with the doctor and honest. You should go with her.